Medical School or Bible College

Whoa...what a night i had...if any of you must know..ive been in a perpetual state of depression and paranoia..since army begin...well it stems from the fact that i want to do medicine sooo badly...so badly...ive been fixated on it..seems eons ago..while...since university...to be specific...depression stems from e fact that i could have many times got into medicine..but due to my mediocre effort and procastination..ive denied myself..or rather i think i have denied myself this opportunity...now.the thought that i could only apply to flinders...really sucked....if i just had..done abit better..all these 'if i had just'..comes rushing back..and it chokes me....everybody is fooled by the facade...well..i dont tink its a facade...defence mechanism? hmm..i dont think so..rather..i guess im temperamental....mood swing change easily..which isnt a very good thing..in any case...ive been depressed and troubled..by entering into medical school..rather..wanting to enter medical school...that everything else seem secondary...i guess God broke me last night...as i struggled..and cried out to him..to give me a chance at redeeming myself..intellecually..and prove to everyone..especially myself...that im of such intelligence..he continually..grapple with my heart...just as the winds of the sea causes water to churn...so did my heart...as i struggled...bible college..seeped into my heart...as i sought the lord..medical school...he said..bible school...i wldnt say it was clear cut...but it was a dear struggle....now...i was thinking..mabbe bible school..is just an excuse if i dont get into medical school..but i examined myself..no..i dont think its an excuse..rather...its a confirmation...ive always wanted to enter bible college..and get myself properly introduced...to the essence of christian theology...ive always enjoyed a expository sermon or a pastor who isnt afraid to seize a verse and expound on it..doing the verse more justice by explaining the greek root word and cultural significance..and all..i guess i just wld love to have a holistic understanding of Christianity...the essence..been God's love...forgiveness...but the bulk of it..is still a relative mystery to me..and ive always wanted to know more.....so yeah..i dont want bible college be a spring board that i fall back to just in case i dont get into medical school...BUT after surrending..allowing myself to commit mself to God..telling Him..it doesnt matter even if i dont get into medical school..and stop been so paranoid about Him...i find my heart more serene...and calm.....im starting to realise...God may not be denying a chance to medical school..but rather..He doesnt want me..to think the world of medical school...rather..He wants me to focus on Him....its such a paradox..but i believe thats the beauty of God...Been right with God...is truly the greatest thing that could happen to someone....im still struggling with loads in my life...but yesh..come march25..i definitely wld be prepared for GAMSAT....i know i will..i will be prepared to glority Him..if i get into flinders or dont....or mabbe IMU...ok..its 1222 am...on the 17th of january..the conviction in my heart is... i will get into medicine..with the right God in my heart...i mean..i will have God in my heart...and not god....ive got to seize e day...2 more months...i know i will get in...its such an innate feeling..haha..if i dont get in..haha.i will publish a post..at how silly my feelings are....anyway...ive heard so much from so many people..e past few weeks...i guess God is starting to talk to Him..finally....Bible college. or medical school..come march25...and may..i will know..all in all..i will give glory...is this the end of my blog..nah..its not.....one thing i wana write to remind myself..i dont want no regrets in my life
regrets...are.my worse enemy..i dwell on regrets..and it really cuts me...brings me to a low...thats why ive will myself..to do my best..and not be distracted...2 more months of work..and i will know....a verse in Matthew 22 really struck me..its about the parable of the banquet...the last part says...many are invited...but few are chosen...it really struck me...i know ive been invitted toshare in God's table..but am i the chosen to really be with Him for all eternity...if now..i cant make a decesion to want to dedicate my life to Him...mabbe i dont want to spend eternity with Him...God has a gentle heart..and he cajoles and directs..when need be...i dont want to spend my life/eternity without Jesus..whose unfathomable sacrifice..and love..transcends all understanding..and anything in the world..whoever is reading this blog..know that the God of the Jews..is the God of this universe...amidst pain suffereing...evil..God is there...u question why God is ignorant in such atrocities...ask urself...didnt God bless you with compassion to act..aint you God's instruments..so He has already acted..by making you..to bring His love to the world...yeah..i guess thats all i have to say...love u Jesus....medical school...bible college..THY WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE

update: 6 years on...im at REGENT!!!!