Finally...HOWDY

as always...im going to start my blog by claiming how long its been since i last wrote an entry...at this moment right now..im clad...in my ocs singlet( which strangely feels tighter then before..hmm..it must have shrunk...)and my army pants...yesh..im still in camp..on a saturday evening..with the ops room tv blaring with noise from a cartoon shown on RTM2. The environment seems idyllic to write an entry..in anycase...ive just re read my entry...the last one..dated january....i wrote that i had an innate feeling that i would get into medicine....but for all thsoe who know me...you would have realise im not....my dreams are shattered...my innermost desire...its been ripped from me...but strangely...after the intial relization that what i want most..is not going to happen...im kinda resigned to whatever comes....i definitely have matured..in a way..on how i deal with my emotions...to the untrain eye...i may seem non chalant and have a vagabondistic (if there is such a word)view of the world...but im actually pretty emo...buahahah...one thing is for sure..im WARPED...thats right...people say each individual is unique...well..im 'UNIQUE' with a hint of retardation in me..haha...oh ..let me get back to what i intended to convey in my blog...ive decided to head to bible college...things are still in their tentative stages...people have not replied to my requests for internship at church...or my desire to want to go for mission...its just...i dont know...it seems people around me are getting on with life..getting things that are u know..what they want...for me..im getting FAT! not as fat as melbourne.but not as thinas in brunei...its just that..matthew has gotten into columbia..andrew got into wesleyan college..the people around me...things are smooth..and why the hell...im not getting anywhere...i love God...i want to serve Him..but everythign seem so difficult...things are not falling into place..at times i feel its not fair..but in my head i know God is still good..its just that..WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! daphne's got her internship with bmw...WHERE IS MY PORTION GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...i want to serve God..but where is my portion of blessing...have i sinned too much....i dont know...i just want to see some SIGN!!!!!! sheesh....its just so hard..i want to have a portion of blessing...in anycase..im goign to apply to regent...hopefully i can get in....i just need a sign from God..like the signet ring of ZERUBBABEL. WHY....LORD WHERE IS MY PORTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...