Waiting

Its 1310 on a friday afternoon. Listening to Li Jun Jie's song..hmm..its pretty sweet about love...lest you think im dwelling into emotional mumbo jumbo im not....its e third day since i finished army, i have to admit, it definitely is a bit of anticlimax, considering i have been clearing leave like since first week of september..oh well...army..well..thats another post... i have been going through an enormous emotional upheaval the past few days.. a past relationship just came back to haunt me...it was eating into my..to find out she has changed so much...on my part...there has been no closure...and it sucks...but God is faithful and He taught me to manage my emotions..again that is another story for another time...well...its been almost 2 weeks since i got the invitation for the interview..i went for it..last tuesday...did not go as well i thought it would be..it was soo simple..and yet i was stumped...man..sigh..anyway..whats really been bugging me is...when i thought i was so clear that i was suppose to go Bible College..God gave me that interview...well...as i have been telling all my friends..i dont even know anything anymore...but all i want to do is to serve Him with all my life..cos without God..there is no peace..only guilt and wretchedness in my life..i as a human being is so unworthy and as a christian even more unworthy as i see my life develop...time and time i have given in to my wanton desires...only God has been so faithful and so dear to forgive..but of course i know that God is a just God too...well...i know ive been so abrupt...but yeah...i have been praying about getting the place at UQ...its been my prayer ever since i got the interview...my auntie and mom has confidence i will get it..but yeah..all the reassurances does not settle my heart...i need to know!! I would be totally blown away if i got the opportunity to do it..cos yeah...its been on my heart ever since like...university..but yeah...if it is not God's will...i dont want to do it...i cannot fathom life without God...its just...too warped....all my identity is in Him..only He understands and can forgive me...but yet...man...i soooo badly want to be a doctor...its like driving me nuts..and my constant prayer...yeah...but ultimately i want to be where He wants me to be...i know there is a calling to ministry..but other then that i know there is calling..the rest seems soo distant and difficult...i dont want to bitch about how bad my life is..cos it aint..compared to the rest...but yeah...each individual life is fraught with difficulties and struggles...man been a christian is so tough..but yet so joyful and so whole...LORD WE NEED YOU...I want to take this opportunity to praise this GOD..who is the TRUE GOD..the Truth..who is HOLY, JUST and EVER LOVING...yeah..my thoughts are just random at the moment..i just want to live in the truth..man..i hate my body..which is subjected to all the temptations...ok....back to my struggles....if i get the offer....everything seems to come into place...if i dont get..which i have a feeling i wont...im afraid i will be devastated..i know i wont curse God or denouce Him or anything..but yeah...everything is torn apart...i know God wants to humble me and all....oh well...THY WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE.