Jonnie's blog

well well..its been eons since i last wrote any entry....alrite..i admit..it wasnt due to the fact that im in ocs or that ive got a really fulfilling social life that i havent been able to log an entry..its bascially due to the fact that i got bored with it...however reading my bud jon's entry..really inspired me to take up my keyboard...(rather place my pudgy fingers on the tabs of the keyboard) once again...rite..what shld i write....well..for starters...im gng to say..after reading jon's blog bout maryanne..whom i have heard about...from jon..during our trtiniy year...honestly...i tot jon was bullshitting bout having had a gf at 12..and his gf was 10...but after reading wat he/she wrote...yeah..im convinced...now this brings me to my topic of the day...how do pple (eg jon) get to enjoy such fulfilling lifes..i mean..his dng well in scdf...his studies/future are on track...his got great friends...close ones...whereas...my life is insipid at best!...i guess from my previous blogs its possible to detect a sever lack of self esteem in my life...and truth to be...yeah...i do struggle with esteem issues...not many people know...in truth..i dont think anybody knows..except for God..and i guess many or most of my problems im facing comes from this lack of esteem that i have ..or rather i perceive to have...it blows my mind...to see someone i think is worse off then me..(in looks.not to say im cute...in social status and etc) having the confidence to approach matters i wld tremble and get knotty about...esteem...sigh...and gets me thinking bout my life in army....oh how i detest gng back to camp...its not actually been ni camp..but the journey...to me.the journey from my house to boonlay..where my camp is..mirrors my attitude in alot of situations..i am not sure why...but ever since i enetered uni....bouts of nervousness...stress...do overcome me....well..i do try to act confident and all..but yeah...at times it really gets to me...am i suffering from some denegerative disease whereby my nervous system shoots off much easier then others..or my mind is screwing my heart...but praise God...ive learnt to control them...but it still does surface....

with such esteem issues...and a mind that tends to worry beyond circumstances...i really wonder how am i going to pursue medicine...ive been telling people for years..i wana do med...but its all talk..i havent done my gamsat..i havent study...hell i dont even tink i can get in...wat happens if i dont get in...my plan for life stems on me getting a medical degree....i do trust God with my life..but..damn..i wldnt want to be like abraham..whereby God told him to walk..and he jsut walked...without knowing the direction...my faith is limited...oh God help me...i know if i do get into med...it wld be a whole new beginning for me...its going to be a fresh start..i can change my future...and in essence..also change the truth of my past...ive got a scuzzy past...well...the past 2 years of my life...have been...illicit so to speak..and i hate myself for that...things i promised myself i will enver do..i compromised...oh wat the hell...screwing myself wldnt do anygood now ..wldnt it?

im kinda pissed right now...but im gng to reread what jon wrote about MA...and just revell in e wonder of such an innocent platonic relationship...it really is hard to come by...dont u guys tink so?